The past few days I felt a bit down. I’m not sure why. I’m a teenager, but I’m not that hormonally unstable as I used to be. Lately I’ve been meeting people, seeing how the act and speak and for some reason – wanting their attention.
Question is why. A few years ago I went to a school, in which the system was one of a dictatorial order in which I was pretty much at the bottom. The time there taught me not to look for appreciation from others, but from myself and the people very close to me.
So why all of a sudden am I looking for appreciation from people who don’t even call me their friend because well, we don’t really know each other.
It’s like something has disrupted my self-esteem-base-balance or whatever you want to call it and it’s getting me down.
This year we were thrown all over the place with our classes and we don’t really have a permanent class with permanent class mates. In every class I’ll always find someone I know already and who I’m friends with. In my history class, that’s different. There is no one I know from before and honestly I still haven’t found a strong bond within the class that I can let myself fall into. I can chat with a few, but nobody will reserve a seat for me or notice I’m not there.
Until now that didn’t bother me at all. I recognized that it was one class in which I didn’t have friends already and that all I needed to do was be nice and we would slowly, maybe grow a little closer together.
But instead, we don’t know each others names (meanwhile I know most of them, but some faces I seem to notice for the first time) and well, the groups that existed prior to the formation of the class remain and no new ones are formed. It’s like everyone is just trying to pass the lesson, in which we hardly learn anything at all (it’s the useless teacher I might have mentioned a few times).
I usually sit next to a particular group of people who talk to me from time to time. I went up to them and they said that I can’t sit there, it’s reserved. Though I said that was fine and sat somewhere else, it left me a bit depressed for the rest of the lesson.
But what is wrong with me? It’s not like me to be insecure like that. And it’s annoying.
I have to base my self-esteem on my own perception again and on the way my close friends treat me, I suppose. Not everybody has to like me.