What if

As you might have noticed in my Cravings-to-go posts; I’ve been ill and off school for about one and a half weeks now. Just so we’re clear: That’s not good.

I wrote a chemistry test on monday and went home after that, knowing I most probably failed.
Tomorrow I am supposed to be taking a German test. But it’s not just a German test. It’s an advanced German course exam about a book and a thousand other things. I don’t know if I feel up to it – I’ll probably stay at home again. In chemistry I couldn’t have done better anyway, in German I could.

So I’ll stay home again and again and miss loads of school and fall back and then it hit me: What if I don’t pass the year?
Or just in general: What if I fail my A-levels? What if I don’t get accepted to University, what if I end up broke and uneducated? What if I do end up in an office some day, sick with my life and angry at myself for achieving absolutely nothing?

My mother gave me a book once called “The Element”. I haven’t read all of it, because I get distracted easily and frankly I’m a very slow reader.

But it’s about finding your element, finding what you like to do and what you can do.

There were a few examples; a dancer who missed loads of school because of her Asthma and the guy who invented the Simpsons. Apparently he was terrible in school. And then there was a guy who was great in school, great at Uni and had a great academic life.

Maybe I ought to read all of it. But the message was that there is something for everyone.

I was looking at learning to be a speech and language therapist. I watched a therapist work for two days and I was positively motivated.

Then we went to see a presentation at a school for logopedics. Up until now you didn’t need a college degree to do logopedics. You needed to do an admission exam and some practical work. That sounded fine to me. Then I went to see this presentation and they explained that you had to study it now and you needed a college degree.

Why? The speech therapist I’d watched was perfectly qualified and did a perfect job with his patients and he didn’t go to university.

Are you now worthless if you don’t have at least a college degree?

So now I hope you understand my worries for the future. Many of us fear that if we fail college, we won’t make it anywhere in life.

In fact, most of us hate going to school, dragging ourselves out of bed every morning, off to learn new things we’ll never use again in our entire lives.

Now, they’re preparing us to be chemists, mathematicians, translators and all that – but I bet after those three years we’ll be done and we still won’t know what to do with our lives, unprepared for reality and naive as lambs to the slaughter, no matter how many times the teachers tell us how rough it is in the outside world. Practice beats theory.

So basically, I’m learning out of fear. The fear that some day I’ll end up begging for scraps or in some way unhappy with my life.




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