I can write short blog posts, I can sleep when I’m tired. That’s handy, right?
I was going to write about something else today, but I just had a thought. So here it is.
At the moment I’m really annoyed with getting up early, going to school and actually doing stuff there, then coming home (mostly when’s raining after it’s been sunny all day) and doing homework. I still need to tidy my room after I said I’d do it last week-end, I tried to carry on writing my long-term project that’s been on ice for ages now and failed, I can’t focus on anything really (For example just now I spent several minutes watching a music video by Kurt Schneider on YouTube) and although I’ve had many, many meetings with career councilors (one only recently) I still can’t make my mind up in any way what I’ll study or become when I’ve finished this endless drag they call school.
I believe I’ve lost my long-term-perspective. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t want to make any long-term decisions, because I know that I’ll change my mind within a few weeks or months – maybe even days.
I want to write my long-term project, but I write a few sentences and my urge to write has gone. Even though I haven’t lost faith in the project; it’s a good project. It’s the kind of “It’s not you, it’s me” situation.
It’s a miracle I could study chemistry a moment ago and even took notes and all – I think I understood it. Then again, I always think I understand it until my teacher tells me otherwise.
My career councilor guy helped me cross out all the jobs (or the areas in which these jobs are included) I’m certainly never going to aim for. We were left with theatre; as in acting and/or directing and writing, journalism, translating and human rights related projects. Thing is, I kind of already knew that.
So I want to be a writer? But I’m not writing. Well, nothing that could get published or that will help me win some kind of contest and give me some type of reassurement that I actually can write. I know that’s what I’d told myself to do anyway, but that didn’t mean I should stop writing long-term stuff completely. Lately I’ve written Lionel’s reaction to Joanne’s death (Something like a Friedrich Schiller fan fiction :P) and a few poems.
I feel like a hypocrite, saying I want to be a writer and then not really doing any writing.
My singer-songwriter friend said that everything will turn out differently in the end than anyone expected, so if you can’t find the goal to aim for, then don’t aim for any goal at all.
I suppose he’s right.
But I miss the time I told everyone I was going to be an actress and I was going to do my A-levels so I could go to the school I wanted to go to in Glasgow (because London was way too expensive) and that was the motivation that was going to get me through school.
Then that dream didn’t seem all that clear any more and getting my A-levels became such a drag, because I didn’t need them anymore.
Meanwhile I’m so scattered I don’t know if I need them or not. I envy those who are already working towards their goal – one they’ve decided on for certain.
Actually, I’m considering studying acting again since taking those acting courses in Frankfurt. But of course, that can change.
If anyone has any suggestions how to get my long-term perspective back, I’m happy to hear them.