I think I’ve lost my long-term perspective

I can write short  blog posts, I can sleep when I’m tired. That’s handy, right?
I was going to write about something else today, but I just had a thought. So here it is.

At the moment I’m really annoyed with getting up early, going to school and actually doing stuff there, then coming home (mostly when’s raining after it’s been sunny all day) and doing homework. I still need to tidy my room after I said I’d do it last week-end, I tried to carry on writing my long-term project that’s been on ice for ages now and failed, I can’t focus on anything really (For example just now I spent several minutes watching a music video by Kurt Schneider on YouTube) and although I’ve had many, many meetings with career councilors (one only recently) I still can’t make my mind up in any way what I’ll study or become when I’ve finished this endless drag they call school.

I believe I’ve lost my long-term-perspective. I don’t know how to  get it back. I don’t want to make any long-term decisions, because I know that I’ll change my mind within a few weeks or months – maybe even days.

https://i0.wp.com/healthkwest.guestengine.com/donnishamilton/files/2012/03/long-term-perspective.jpg

I want to write my long-term project, but I write a few sentences and my urge to write has gone. Even though I haven’t lost faith in the project; it’s a good project. It’s the kind of “It’s not you, it’s me” situation.

It’s a miracle I could study chemistry a moment ago and even took notes and all – I think I understood it. Then again, I always think I understand it until my teacher tells me otherwise.

My career councilor guy helped me cross out all the jobs (or the areas in which these jobs are included) I’m certainly never going to aim for. We were left with theatre; as in acting and/or directing and writing, journalism, translating and human rights related projects. Thing is, I kind of already knew that.

So I want to be a writer? But I’m not writing. Well, nothing that could get published or that will help me win some kind of contest and give me some type of reassurement that I actually can write. I know that’s what I’d told myself to do anyway, but that didn’t mean I should stop writing long-term stuff completely. Lately I’ve written Lionel’s reaction to Joanne’s death (Something like a Friedrich Schiller fan fiction :P) and a few poems.

I feel like a hypocrite, saying I want to be a writer and then not really doing any writing.

My singer-songwriter friend said that everything will turn out differently in the end than anyone expected, so if you can’t find the goal to aim for, then don’t aim for any goal at all.

I suppose he’s right.

But I miss the time I told everyone I was going to be an actress and I was going to do my A-levels so I could go to the school I wanted to go to in Glasgow (because London was way too expensive) and that was the motivation that was going to get me through school.

Then that dream didn’t seem all that clear any more and getting my A-levels became such a drag, because I didn’t need them anymore.

Meanwhile I’m so scattered I don’t know if I need them or not. I envy those who are already working towards their goal – one they’ve decided on for certain.

Actually, I’m considering studying acting again since taking those acting courses in Frankfurt. But of course, that can change.

If anyone has any suggestions how to get my long-term perspective back, I’m happy to hear them.

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6 thoughts on “I think I’ve lost my long-term perspective

  1. You’re young and your a man of the arts. You’ve those two things against you. Every artsy person naturally thinks what they’re doing is awful and a waste of time. It’s hard to make it and it takes a long time, so it’s natural to think that your writing isn’t good enough when you’re not getting feedback. But you have to work on it. You have to stick with it and do a bit her and a bit there, until you get a lot of bits together and form a big bit. You’ve nailed it yourself: Writers write. So write. Make yourself do it, before long you’ll enjoy it.

    I was similar to you. I despised school and still do. I didn’t study at all, just went to school because I had to and still got into college. Now I’m loving college and my writing has soared since I got out of school. You can’t see it now, but in no time at all your life will rapidly change. Everything changes in college. It’s a whole different ball game and I can assure you you’ll love it. Try force yourself to do some work, just make sure you have some option for college, whatever it is. And write a tiny bit now and then. Ten words a day is better than no words a day.

    I really empathise with you. I was where you were less than two years ago and I had no idea where to go with myself. Now I’m steamrolling towards my long term goals. I wrote a post on my blog about dreaming big, you might find it interesting.

    Also feel happy to get in touch with me if you want to talk about it all further, I’d be happy to help. My email address is sabcooke@gmail.com

    Hang in there, it’s a long slog but we get there eventually!

  2. these are normal feelings. Writers often go through phases of not being able to write ( or so they have us believe), and deciding what to study is of course important, and you do not want to make a mistake, and so you are stressing about it. I think if you pick any of those things the career guy and you came up with you will be very happy with the course. Relax.

  3. Stressing out is easy to do. I can relate to wanting to do the right thing and wanting everything to work out right. I, however, also believe that focusing on doing the right thing can be detrimental at times because then you risk doing something that others think is the right thing whether or not it is the right thing for you yourself. If it’s what you want to do, what you feel drawn to, go for it! Relax and follow your heart.

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