I’ve been confronted with a lot of death related situations lately. Don’t worry, I wasn’t attacked on the streets. It just seems to be around me at the time.
Yesterday a friend of mine wrote on my work sheet: L.H. * 16.04.1995, † 16.05.2013
It was a joke – a very strange one. I have interesting friends. Today we were joking about what I wanted my funeral to look like and how it was my last day on this earth. It was all very jolly, but it made me think about it, especially since lately life has become so fragile.
I know I won’t die today – I hope. At least it’s quite unlikely. I survived the highstreet and the bus and the people on it and school and I had a big lunch so I won’t starve and I’m too young to die of a heart attack and I’m not at risk of having a stroke either…anyway, I’m pretty sure the joke will remain a joke.
But what if it didn’t and this was actually my last day? My mother always says to live life to the fullest – but it’s not that easy, to be honest.
In short, I spend my days working towards some other day. I do my homework or study, I go to bed early enough so I wouldn’t oversleep the next day and I spend half the day in school learning about things I may or may not ever use again. I’m working towards a future in which I’m finally free to do whatever I want. But secretly I know that won’t be that way. My mother goes to work to earn money to provide for us and she does it every day from 9 until 6 (it’s variable) and it’s not the greatest job in the world – not just in my opinion. And well, my father spends his days in front of the computer too or fullfilling his duties as a house-husband. In the evening we sit at the same table and talk about our day – or we eat in silence and then go about our own business again.
So what does that even mean to live life to the fullest?
To be nice to everyone even you don’t like them? To engage into as many interesting conversations as possible (I had one on the bus today)? To spend every minute of your day meaningfully and joyfully (Those two things don’t always go hand in hand)? To see the good in everything?
If I died right now I’d have gone to school, written a politics exam, gotten worked up about my politics teacher because she keeps talking (And she starts every sentence with HELLO?!), eaten lunch (My frist Risotto ever made 😀 ), watched three episodes of “The New Normal”, lied for a friend, bought a gift, talked to a stranger, wrapped a gift, done my homework and blogged about the meaning of living life to the fullest without publishing it.
Would that day have been full enough? What could I have done differently? Instead of watching TV I could have helped out Rainer, the homeless man in front of the bookshop in Frankfurt or written a story or a novel or finally set up online banking. Instead of complaining about my teacher I could have – developped a plan to save the world and accepted that my teacher is just trying to be friendly and can’t help her irritating voice.
But I’m not sure I have the energy to live every day to its full potential – And I don’t know I ever will. I suppose I have to aim for a job I really love doing (As if money was no object) and stop looking for excuses not to do anything, also I should look for a solution to my afternoon-fatigue that basically disables most of my possibilities of doing anything particularly useful. I already try to be nice to people and I’m open to entering conversations, but I’m also very lazy.
If you care to comment, especially as today is my one-year-anniversary on WordPress, what does it mean to you to live life to the fullest and what if today was your last day?