I can’t sleep, my thoughts are spinning and tomorrow morning I know I will be knackered.
They told me to see the big picture, getting ready for my exams and all; so, homework isn’t just homework, it’s preparation for my big exams aswell as remembering everything my teachers tell me. But the more I see the big picture, the more I begin to panic.
But this post is not about my fear of my final exams, but more generally, the constant rush that surrounds and determines our lives.
I get up in the morning, go to school, get through lesson over lesson until it is over. But then I go home and I have homework to do and studying. And even when I’ve done everything necessary that day, it will never be enough. I go to bed thinking about tomorrow’s lessons or this or that project I still need to finish or that I need to call my boss because I have to work this week. It’s these quiet moments at night when it all comes crashing in on me.
My boss is annoyed I still can’t carry three plates at once – or I’m afraid to. My teachers demand for me to know everything they ever said, also, know what’s going on around me in the world, which is important, yes, but when do I have time for that? Why am I always trying to prove something to somebody?
I’m tired of always trying to live up to someone’s expectations, only for those expectations to grow larger and larger, so nobody is ever satisfied.
When I’ve – hopefully – passed my final exams, what happens then? Will I then be able to relax? I don’t think so. Then I will be wondering about what to do with my life, then I need to get my drivers permit, then I will still be working in the restaurant. At one point I will move out and start properly working, then my boss will expect stuff from me once again and the only thing he or she will ever comment on will be my mistakes. Sooner or later I might re-engage into a relationship and he’ll expect me to hold hands, love, touch, feel – maybe get married and have children. Then I’ll have the pressure of being a good wife or a good mother. And when I’m old there will be no money from the state, so if I don’t start saving now, I’ll go hungry in old age.
I’m afraid this rush will never end. I’m afraid I can’t let go.
For once I’d like to sit back, close my eyes, really enjoy the moment with no thought of the future and no memory of the past.
But instead I’m being torn from one obligation to the next and my feet are starting to ache.
I’m sick of being tested, examined, judged. It seems all my life I’ve been trying to prove something.
I wanted to prove to my teachers that I’m smart, to my bullies that I’m strong, to the world that I’m worth something, to my friends that I’m reliable, to myself that I’m determined.
If I stopped trying to impress everyone, where would that leave me?
Would I still strive for my goals? Would I make progress in my life?
I just want to let go, knowing that time is not running away from me. I just want to find some peace and quiet – and simply sleep.