Chasing, waiting, feeling shitty

I am not talking about the bus. Yes, you have to run for it, you have to wait for it and then you feel bad because you either missed it or have just made your face turn bright red and sweat through your clothes. Or both.

Though fitting, this post will not contain any busses, I hope, or other form of public transport. And there will be no cars in it either. Go home Shia LaBoeuf and Marc Wahlberg. Or stay, but no swearing!

No, what I am referring to is something far more universal and I am sure, in one form or another, it has existed since long before vehicles.

It is something that people will assume is a problem reserved for them only, a problem they must deal with by themselves and that no person has gone through before.

Imagine standing in front of a glass window, not a shopping window, but a window locked and sealed and slightly smudged. Behind this window, there is something. It represents all you think you’ve been lacking. Imagine outside it’s cold or too hot, whichever you prefer least, outside. Imagine you’re hungry for something – something hidden behind a glass window.

You lay your fingers on the glass one by one, as if to see if your subtle force to shift it. But nothing moves. You just leave a few greasy prints on the surface. The feeling of dirty unworthiness sneaks up on you, slowly, but in your fascination for what’s beyond that glass window you choose to ignore it.

Do you stay or do you leave?

A few times you touch the glass, more firmly this time, leaving more marks, feeling more and more like a failure while at the same time your longing for what’s on the other side grows. You tell yourself it’s no use, you force yourself to stop.

Soon though you’re back in the cold or that heat and you’re biting your lip, rubbing your hands and punching the glass. At one point, this may take weeks or years, your hand is numb and bleeding. You haven’t eaten properly in days, you are thirsty and bloated. But you keep telling yourself you’re fine. That’s when, finally, your fist punches through the glass, in comes crashing down on you like an avalanche of sharp, hurtful claws. But the glass window is down. You are free to enter.

When you have rubbed the tiny glass particles out of your eyes, you can see clearly – you’re shocked – the thing you’ve been seeing through the glass window all this time was nothing but an illusion, caused by the light and your wishful thinking that there is something better than the outside. The inside. Turns out you’ve been fooling yourself all along. Whatever you thought was on the inside never existed.

Are you getting the idea?

For a while I thought I was the only one chasing illusions, waiting for answers, then realising I am making myself worth less than I am.

The other day I was talking to a friend who may or may not be experiencing the phenomenon of an asymmetric relationship – or well, I relationship-to-be – and she was worried because all of a sudden, he was not texting back. Apart from the fact that she may very well be over analyzing the entire thing *clears throat*, it’s nothing I have not seen before. In today’s world texting is the easiest way to chase somebody and wait for them. Or E-Mail or Facebook or who knows, maybe even Twitter – pick one. The problem with the whole thing is not only that you are probably wasting your time, but that it makes you feel shitty. Every time you bow down and try to reconnect with your hopefully-one-day-significant-other (or simply someone you want to get to know) and once again, he/she/it does not get back to you, yet you spend significant moments of your life waiting for a reply, wondering if the silent unreachable may just be busy with something or someone or maybe he/she/it does not care enough and all that. This usually happens in private, very quietly in the darkest, dustiest corner of your brain  – not as frantically as it does in “He’s just not that in to you”. But what do I know?

However, I am not going to start throwing random golden rules into the room, but there is one thing: Remember your priorities and your dignity. This person may not even realise you’re trying to get his/her/its attention. You could be that circus artist performing his best trick ever with the curtains closed, imagining the applause.

But why do we do this? Why do think so much of ourselves, but, as soon as we dive into an illusion, we dive out of our mind?

Me, with friends or he/she/its or whoever, tend to be aiming too much for harmony. I don’t want tension, I don’t want to create a mess I may not be able to clean up, that may go really wrong.

Many times I have heard these sentences in my head, rage coming up along with them:

“I will not structure my plans to your satisfaction, just because you don’t care enough to acknowledge that I have a life too, filled with people and obligations.”

“I have shown real interest in your wellbeing and your life and all I get is Ok ?! I am worth more than OK! Write a full sentence for heaven’s sake!”

“Look, I really like you, now I hope you don’t think I’m creepy or unreasonable, but I would really just like a reaction!”

“Listen, you don’t snip your fingers and I’m there. We are equal and I expect you to treat my that way.”

Things like tha are what come to mind right now. But I don’t say them. Instead I have resorted to – as soon as I wake up from my self-induced hypnosis – simply ridding  my mind of any thought regarding that particular human being. So long as they are not as interested in me and I am in them despite my many attempts to change that, I will not make them my priority, because it is not worth it. I have made the experience that the people I admired the most, I waste the most time and emotion on, are the people I dislike the most in the end because they made me feel really shitty and small and undignified – or, not them, but the illusion.

You never know; there might be someone who feels that way about you without you realising. Being blinded is never a good thing, either way.

Just remember: You have a life full of people, activities, feelings sprouting in all directions and an audience that actually does want to see your best tricks and appreciates you.

Then, of course, there’s the sound of a new message after who knows how long. It’s he/she/it and has finally replied. I understand. You want to jump, because maybe it’s not as bad as you thought. I really do understand. Unfortunately I have not figured that one out myself.

Just be careful and remember what you have rather than what you wish you had.

And chill. This person is not a god. Have a little respect for the both of you.




One thought on “Chasing, waiting, feeling shitty

  1. before the telephone people would wait forelornly for letters, then came the phone, and one would sit staring at the phone. Now we have instant communication, and instant gratification, so it must indeed be even harder. Very wise to just chill and not worry if or when they get back to you. Easier said than done, but if they are worth it, they will get back to you, and if they do not, then they are not worth your time.

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