I may or may not have mentioned I applied to a course in the north of Germany for creative writing and culture journalism. It sounds rather amazing and like the type of thing I would want to do. Parallel to this, because it is very hard to get in, I applied to Berne University in Switzerland for Linguistics. This was my plan B.
And yes, I know these two courses are quite different.
I am going to be honest, I have not had a very nice week. I almost wrote a post about it. I felt like I was having some kind of mental breakdown all by myself late at night every night.
One night I could not sleep at all. I ended up staying up all night, hot and uncomfortable, stressed about all kinds of things.
Our cat is twenty years old with kidney problems. She is getting weaker and weaker, thinner and will not eat. We took her to the vet on thursday and she has been hooked up to various infusions since then. Today we pick her up. And then that is when we find out whether or not it is worth keeping her alive.
Personally I am having trouble agreeing with “putting her to sleep”. Though we are her owners and we do not want her to suffer, I can´t stop thinking we are taking something away from her. Maybe it´s to die by her own choosing or maybe I am afraid we will kill her prematurely. And every time she is at the vet, she is stressed. I would want her to feel safe, at home, at peace, somewhere in the sunny garden.
Another thing I have been worried about is the future. It´s a big word: the FUTURE, and lately I have been feeling the pressure of it. Firstly it is the move to Switzerland that is rapidly approaching (also the fact that if the cat does survive, this may stress her too much and she may die from that) and the whole thing of having to pack everything (which we partly have done already, my room has never been this tidy) and then UNPACK everything at the other end. And transporting the cats. Have I mentioned our cats do not like to be transported.
My other cat, younger and fluffy and healthy, absolutely hates going the vet. Every time she sees a cat box or smells anything reminding her of a vet, she will run. And you won´t see her all day. The other day I came back from the vet with the older cat (well without) and she must have smelled it on my clothes, because as I lay down next to her on my bed, hoping to get a calming cuddle, she started sniffing like a maniac and hurried out of my room.
When she is IN the box – this is a long and stressful process for all participants, I tend to wrap her in a towel first so she can not move while I put her in the transport box – she meows like crazy.
The trip down to Switzerland is about 5 to 6 hours. Yay.
Right and finally, another FUTURE aspect: Studying.
I have been accepted to Berne university for Linguistics and am very happy about this. This week I was still waiting for my letter from the other university though. And I knew it would arrive soon.
In the course of applying, I met another applicant. We have been talking almost every day since then and I´d say, though we have not known each other that long, we have become quite good friends. I still have to meet her in person, of course, but I will visit her in July or August some time.
Now, these last few nights I have been shaken by sudden thoughts and worries and doubts: So what if I do get in? Which university will I choose?
Until a few weeks ago it had been clear that if I were given the choice, I´d go for the writing course. But I think I have told myself so often that I was not going to get in that I started focusing on Berne a lot more. And I got really excited.
A bit later though I started thinking: Wait, do I even want to study linguistics anymore? What if I don´t want either. What if I am missing a chance by not studying creative writing? But what if the writing course is not really for me? What if I get there and I am not good enough? If I study linguistics I have to learn Latin. Will I be any good?
Basically you can say I was confused. I suppose it has to do with being young and having a lot of options opened up to me that I live in constant fear of making the wrong decision.
But anyway today this decision was taken away from me. I got my letter from the other university and have been rejected.
But it´s okay. Somehow I am relieved. This way I can write without pressure again, which I have been feeling lately, I don´t have to make a choice that may or may not be the wrong one, I get to go to Berne uni without doubting I made the wrong choice.
If I really do hate it in Berne, I will do something else. But for now I will see how it goes.
Besides, this does not mean I will not get to do what I want. To travel, to write and act and direct. But maybe I will want to get into a different career later on. Who knows.
There were times when I wished I had never applied to the creative writing course, when I wasn´t sure it was right for me anymore. But then I would not have met my new friend.
It´s like she – my new friend – said: Something always works out. No matter what you do, it will always come to something.
And I think she is right.
I think I have got so used to the idea of getting rejected that I was not even surprised and only mildly disappointed.
Also, I can now finally read that fantasy novel I have been putting off in order to read modern, intellectual books. Since there will be no more interview, there must be no more preparation.
Anyway, so that is the latest from me. Enjoy your weekend. And wish my cat luck