Maybe I am coming down with some gross stomach flu, but I believe it´s the stress. Basically I am constantly feeling sick and / or nauseous. The only time I can distract myself is while writing, shopping for an amazing new pair of culottes (vintage remade) – forgetting my phone in the changing cabin, rushing back for it and feeling the relief of it still being there.
But otherwise, I´m a nervous wreck. I can feel it right now, too.
I feel like I have a thousand things to do, I am unprepared for everything, but I can´t focus on any one thing either.
The start of university is coming up. And it´s not like you just march in there and they do everything for you. You have to deal with your own shit. Surely I will learn to like this eventually, but not while I have no idea what I am actually supposed to be doing. I sort of know which courses I have to take in the first semester and I have found them online – but do I register for them now? Are they an ongoing thing? Do I have to decide on a Date? What happens if I don´t go because I didn´t fucking know it was happening?! Do I have to prepare the literature (some of the courses have literature recommended)? There´s got to be several courses on the same subject since there is a test at the end of it.
Fucking hell, I hate being tested – I know, it´s therefore the very best thing to go to university where I constantly have exams.
I feel so unprepared, but they don´t really tell you anything either. I bet they will tell me what to do when I should have done it two weeks earlier.
Also, I got a call back for a job at a restaurant. This is what I wanted, yes – but just as I was thinking maybe this is all too much, they responded to my application (I didn´t even think they´d be interested) and invited me for a trial work day. This is great news. I will spend a whole day doing what I have not done in a year, constantly being evaluated to see if I should get the job or not.
Do you understand why I feel constantly sick?
My mum said I need to find a way to deal with my anxiety. Uh, duh! It´s not like I am doing this on purpose.
Also my mother has decided to pick a fight with my old German mobile provider, making me write the letters! I don´t like fighting with big companies! I don´t like fighting at all!
I can´t really sleep at night, feel exhausted most of the time and get inexplicable stomach cramps like I did when I was a child and was afraid of my fourth grade teacher.
Besides all that I have come to the painful realisation that some feelings just can´t be reciprocated…and I am going to have to get over it. So, all this other stress is good for forgetting about some things, at least.
And I have started to write a story again too after I had only written short texts lately. Being busy gives me the urge to write it down and out, relieve the tension a little bit and process a couple of things.
That play I want to write has faded into the background a bit, unfortunately, but I have put it on hold until I can actually focus my mind at one thing at a time. Maybe my theatre studies (theatre studies studies?) will help.
On a side note: My dad said he would make tea – he has made beans on toast, which is fine with me, since I can´t eat much lately anyway, but does he have to be so noisy about it?
I feel like I may or may not be slightly calming down about everything. Hopefully I will do a good job at the trial work day despite my nerves – I was okay the first time.
So, for anyone out there who is feeling scared about your future, expectations and stuff everybody else says will be just fine – I feel you, my friend. We will get through this together. Might have to throw up a couple of times first though.