Like most, I have had insecurities about my weight and my body. I took a tour today down memory lane and read some of my old blog posts. Many of them are about weight gain, weight loss, accepting your body.
Reading my old “Stick-Me” blog posts ( https://pinappleflavouredpeople.wordpress.com/?s=stick-me ) was quite shocking. I never realised how unhealthy my relationship was with my weight. When I turned eighteen, I tried desperately to gain weight so I could donate blood. I ate large meals and tried to “fatten up” for the big day, but failed. Instead I just made my stomach sick. I spent the day of the donation in bed, feeling like I was going to throw up.
My mindset slowly developed over the years and I decided that I was never going to be perfect and that my body was fine the way it was. Obviously that still doesn´t keep me from judging my flabby stomach or cursing my stretch marks, but I know this is normal and everybody has insecurities. Today, at almost twenty-one, I am fine. I exercise because it´s healthy, of course I have the secret hope that I´ll get a more toned body and super hot and “look good naked”.
But until the age of nineteen or so, I seriously thought I was too skinny. And what´s worse is, I thought that made me less feminine and therefore unattractive to men. It´s so ridiculous, really, the things we do – not for love – but to be seen as the norm – or even above the norm.
The norm is of course the perfect mix between skinny and curvy, with great hair and make-up and ideally no flabby bits. And I am glad that people are finally starting to talk about stretch marks! Seriously I thought I was the only one!
Just think about it; the fact that I am writing this post – and that I have written so many posts on this topic in the past – is slightly disturbing. Boohoo, I do not have the stomach muscles of a top model, boohoo, my legs have some scars and my thighs have stretch marks!
Really, the only this that counts is that they work, right? I can walk, I can run for the train, I am a fully able person. I am perfectly healthy. I should be grateful and I know this. Yet I catch myself scowling into the mirror as I angrily suck in my stomach. I always said that I wouldn´t be one of those people who fuss about their weight. But I am. And I always have been. I was just going in the other direction: Saying I did not weigh enough. And I suppose the reason my friends hated me for saying stuff like: “I need to gain weight!” is that they too had – or have – an unhealthy relationship with their weight. Because – don´t we all?
We may seem perfect and beautiful to everybody else, yet we still criticise ourselves for minor details.
The problem is not that we feel we have to do exercise and watch what we eat – the problem is the reason behind it. Do you think the majority of “dieters” do these things because they want to be healthier, fitter, stronger? Or do you think it´s because they want to look good?
I´d bet the latter. And I am including myself.
I am not judging anyone since we are all in the same boat. But I think the why is really important. I have only come to this realisation recently. I´ve gone through teenage-hood being criticised for my weight, being called anorexic, being told to eat something, which turned me into someone who wanted to desperately gain weight – not because I was underweight, but because I felt something was wrong with me physically. And now I feel self-conscious about my weight and spend days hating myself for being so unfit. Writing it all down – reading my earlier posts – it seems so silly.
Now, there are still days when I hate the way I look, but, the thing I do is this: I tell myself I am healthy, I am able and I fortunate to have a home, a family, a job and an education. It´s a similar method I use when I get anxiety: I look up at the stars or simply think to myself: The universe is huge and my problems seem a lot smaller already. Because those are both irrational moments: The self-hatred and the anxiety. A few weeks ago I was seriously considering quitting my student job which I am lucky to have because I was experiencing relationship-oriented anxiety.
I am not saying: Don´t take your issues seriously. I am just suggesting you look at them from a different angle.
Basically I wrote this post because I wanted to set things straight. I have written so many posts and body image, weight and all that stuff. But this is my closing chapter (hopefully) on this topic. Obviously I will still reference the topic, but I hopefully won´t be writing about my body anymore. Because I am healthy and I should be grateful for this. But if you really want a work-out, listen to the first album of Fun. (the dot is important!) – “Aim and Ignite”, turn it up and dance around like the crazy person. It´s what I´m about to do. And fuck your neighbours if they complain it´s too loud. Well, not literally, though that would be a really good workout too, I bet. That´s the myth, anyway. Alternatively you can wear headphones, but it restricts the dancing experience… Okay I am drifting off.
Here´s a taste: NOW DANCE! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0nu8sjo_MY