Well hello there. I have returned! I took quite a long hiatus from my blog, not because I needed time to think, but because I have bad time management skills. So there. I was very busy with uni (still am, but meh) and work and writing (whee) and all that and I’m sorry to say I missed quite a few months of blogging.
To be honest there was not much to tell though. Here’s what’s been happening:
- I finished my second semester at uni and my anxiety was worse than ever.
- I have started seeing a therapist.
- I am almost done with my novel (first draft).
- I went to New York City for a week.
- I moved to Berne.
- I miss my cat.
- I tried Dating Apps.
Basically that’s everything. Let me elaborate on a few of them.
The therapist: Yes, well, I had been thinking of seeing a therapist for quite some time, but I needed to get the courage together to ask my parents (because money) and generally the courage to go. One of the reasons why I wanted to go was my anxiety which, as mentioned above, got worse this last semester. It was an incredibly stressful time and it was affecting my work and productivity. But the other reason I wanted to see a therapist was to get a handle on my problem in intimacy/romantic/sexual situations/flirting/expectations/not quite sure what it comes down too yet. Because I am terrible at handling anything like that rationally (my flight reactions are almost immediate) it also contributes to my anxiety and every other stressful situation just seems a hundred times worse. I’ve had a few sessions now and I’m becoming more aware of my reactions to various situations, which I think is the point.
The Dating Apps: I am addressing this one now because it has to do with my intimacy issues. The whole problem I seem to have is that I build up immense pressure on myself, imagining expectations, trying to control the situation by creating a mental image of how things are going to happen. Unfortunately that usually goes something like this:
“He just wants to talk…just drinks, fine…but then he might want to meet again…and again…and then eventually there will be physical contact…and opening up…and kissing…and sex and oh my god he wears hats he is NOT WORTH MY TIME! I’M OUT OF HERE!”
I invest a lot of energy assessing whether or not I’m going to get hurt or I am going to be a disappointment in the end and if the whole thing is even worth it. When it comes to relationships (or simply dating), I’ve yet to attain that “the path is the goal” mentality. So anyway I registered with two dating apps. One is called “Happn” and it’s like Tinder or any other kind of App like that, but it only picks up people who fit your parameters, who have their GPS on and are with the App, obviously. And when you walk past them, it connects you with them and you can say whether or not you like them. I thought this was a good place to start. There are many variables that come into play before I even have to confront myself with this other human being and then if I don’t or do like them – they won’t know until they’ve “liked” me back. And then I told myself: “Remember, one step at a time. Just chat. Be yourself and do not pressure yourself.” And it worked to start with, I had a few good chats, just getting to know people. Of course I panicked when one guy made a compliment and I had to ask for advice from a friend as to how to reply. But I got through that. Usually the contact fizzled out and I was fine with it. This was more like a practice round for me anyway. So then I felt more comfortable with the general idea of dating apps, I tried “Once”, where you get one suggestion a day depending on your preferences and you have 24 hours to decide whether or not you like them. This worked too for a while, we just talked. But then one guy said he wanted to meet me in person.
Now, I’m not proud of what I did next. It was an impulsive flight reaction and, well, it reduced my stress levels a lot. But the whole point of the exercise was to not avoid stress situations, but to confront them and realise it’s not so bad. But I deleted the app. I guess I was not ready.
New York: WAS AMAZING. I really had the best of times, it was so hot, I was just about cooked through by the time we flew back. Maybe don’t go in July. But it was amazing, we went to see two broadway shows. I highly recommend them both: The Humans at the Helen Hayes Theatre and Something Rotten! (quite different) at the St. James theatre. Both were amazing in their own way. It’s worth going just for the theatres alone, which are beautiful and nostalgic and freezing, but beautiful nonetheless. Oh and I went for the tickets that were one class above the cheapest because I wanted good seats, but when we got to both shows the cheap seats were really not that bad. We went onto the Top of the Rock (amazing), got lost in Central Park (still very nice, yet tiring), walked the High Line (beautiful), went into Chelsea Market, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens (the Museum was closed unfortunately, I was really looking forward to it), did a Circle Line Cruise with Dave or Mike or something like that, went to the Village – the village is so calm and beautiful and great! We went into the Stonewall Inn and bought T-Shirts, though it would have maybe been more lively in the evening. Still, I can say I went there now. If you need any gluten free recommendations, let me know. I might dedicate a seperate post to that. Oh and we saw two shows at the UCB theatre. They do improv and sketch comedy and only charge 5 dollars Mo-Thurs and 10 dollars Fri – Sun. It’s about an hour every time and remember to get your tickets earlier the same day online or get in line early enough. We always pre-reserved because we were only there a week. One of the sketch shows was a half-hour set by Pop Roulette who do musical sketch comedy. You should check them out, they’re hilarious. https://www.youtube.com/user/PopRoulette
They performed this one live in the context of a show that was supposed to show how wonderful humanity is (sarcasm included).
The move: Yes, I moved! I finally did it. I’ve moved into an apartment wth two other girls and so far everything is great. It’s 15 minutes to the city centre by bike, 5 by train and, well, 15 by tram. But I have so many options! Also a moonliner comes here which is a late-night bus service that gets you home safely after midnight when the trains stop. I had to be at work by 7 the other day and I could leave twenty minutes to seven!
My novel: I’m almost done, I’m on my last chapter. Though progress has stagnated due to the move and uni work, but hopefully I can get back on track soon. Then it’s time for editing, then I’ll give it to some people to read, then it’s feedback editing, then more editing and then…maybe another feedback round? Who knows.
Cat: I miss my cat very much, the way she leaves hair everywhere, the way she sits on your head when you’re sleeping, the way she poops in the bathtub – no wait I don’t miss that. But I do miss her. And someone is advertising kittens to pick up on Facebook, they lost their mother to a hit and run. Oh my god. I need to talk to my flat mates. Now.